The Tethermaster goes to a Haunted House

This is out of control people! Listen to me and listen to me good. Haunted houses need to be regulated by a new regulatory board with the Tethermaster as the chairman of the board. I repeat in case you didn't hear me: haunted houses need to be regulated by a new regulatory board with the Tethermaster as the chairman of the board. Why do I say this? I have had many good times as I grew up, going to haunted houses, and laughing and teasing, running and jumping and generally being me. Last year that all changed. Last October we went to the House of Horrror (sic). It sounded innocent enough and was run by a charity group with which I had a long standing relationship. As I walked in, I was knocked to the floor by a live, ravenous ape. Just before the ape was about to stomp his foot upon my neck, he was shot by a sharp shooter with a poison dart. The ape fell upon me and I had to squirm out from underneath him to get to the next room. I had already worked up a sweat and wondered how many apes they went through in an evening? As I entered the next room, it seemed unusually calm and breezy. I was mellow. Just as I thought I had a short respite from terror, a group of skateboarders skated in and started skating around me. They skated in a circle, and sneered at me with every push from the ground. They were getting closer and closer, going really fast right next to me, and chanting, "you not a skater; you must pay", "you not a skater; you must pay". At this point the only words that entered my mind were those from the song, sk8er boi. So I began singing "He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it anymore obvious...". They seemed so repulsed that they rolled away. At that point I collapsed and curled up into a ball. This wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be. I grabbed a door knob to get out, and found that it was electrically charged. I sent the door flying to release my grip, only to see a huge demolition ball careening toward my head. As I ducked I heard someone say, "Arm the frickin' laser". I couldn't believe it, but it sounded exactly like Austin Powers. A laser was then shot through my collar piercing my ear lobe, but somehow missing my skull. This was my lucky day! Again I heard, "Arm the frickin' laser!" I was not going to take another hit - so I dove into the room. Behind a curtain I saw Mike Myers talking into a microphone and maneuvering all manner of technical stuff. We got to talking and he now agrees that there need to be reforms as some Haunted Houses have gone too far and have crossed the line. This goes to show that if you allow haunted house power in the hands of a few that is unchecked, it can get out of control and end up with the Tethermaster wanting to start a regulatory board. Recently the Tethermaster said, "What I really want to start here is just a regulatory board to make sure that Mike and his buddies are not crossing the line. It's just not safe to have that much power unchecked in the hands of a few idiots." A lot of people who heard these comments nodded in agreement.